Right. So I, again, have come across a problem within myself. Yes, this is another one of those pissy/bitchy moments of mine–and the only way I can feel relieved is by writing all my trivial crap down. Here we go.

Firstly, for about the first time in my life–I feel as if I’ve lost total control. Dia or Bella might understand this. They know me to be one who contemplates every possible situation–always ready for any surprise…therefore, I am considered to be one who is always expecting the unexpected…one who is never taken by surprise. Well. That has changed. Everything is so fucking stabilized. Everything seems so calm–I don’t know what lies ahead. Well…I do. And it is something all but one person knows about, and I do not really anticipate that event with open arms. Don’t ask about it now, because I’m just not going to say anything. But I have removed that thought from my mind–and decided to focus on the present. And I cannot. The present…is just the present for me. How the hell does one live the moment? How does one know the trtue scent of perfume, the touch of wind, the sound of music? What is considered absolute? Is there anyone in this corrupt world who for at some point–does not happen to have a dreary or positive thought in the back of their mind? Is one capable to focus on the moment. Is one able to understand why there must be a reason for all of this.

My god, sometimes I’m so happy–I can’t even express it. I want to. I want to show my true…colors? Lord there isn’t even a word for it. Shit, I’m stuck. I just don’t know what to expect. Is there…anything happening? Is this just some bitching from a chick who is stuck in stability? See…I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Wow…I just realized it. I’ve just spoken so much…without even saying anything. I am a moron. LOL. Hmm…now I am actually taking Rosabella’s question into consideration.

“Have you reached the point where you ask yourself ‘do i even have a legitimate reason for feeling like this?’”

Ha. If only.